Reflection

Sometimes it hits you like a brick to your skull. You catch yourself acting in ways that so goes against what you believe about yourself. I was actually lucky enough to grab a window seat at the java shack today. Plugged in, jammin to tunes while working on some budgets, I was totally lost in my own private world. It's times like this when I am the most productive.

An older gentleman was seated next to me all alone sipping his coffee. He was looking in my direction with an intense stare. The kind of intensity that for a moment really made me feel uncomfortable. I looked back and felt my stare take on one of those disapproving kind of tones. The darkside manifesting itself for his look pulling me out of my happy place. He looked away and then tried not to look in my direction again, playing with his book and continuing to sip his coffee. Right then it hit me. He was looking out the window. I mean I WAS right in front of it. The more I glanced back, it was obvious he was lonely. Suddenly I felt horrible. I could see myself sitting there with no one to talk to. Coming to the coffee shop to retreat to a somewhat social environment and escape the lonesomeness.

I have always had a vivid imagination. I am always watching people and creating scenarios in my mind to explain their situation. Most of the time it is a way to amuse myself. I won't go into the images I created for him, but it saddened me. Then anger at myself for acting like a stuck up twink who didn't want an older guy to look at him. God that attitude pisses me off, yet my first instinctive reaction was just that. Worse yet, I'm not even close to being a twink! Lol! Now this is easy enough to fix I say to myself, just talk to him. But being as shy as I am, especially when I am embarrassed for previous actions, starting conversation is not my forte. We spoke for a bit and I could see his eyes light up a bit. Nothing heavy but just a kind hello, talk of the weather, how busy it was in there and so forth. All with the hope of somehow making amends for my previous glance. Who knows maybe he never even realized I had given him that look. But still, I know what it is like to be lonely and I absolutely abhor that feeling. Guilt complex? Perhaps. We call ourselves a community, yet we are so confined into our own groups. I try not to fall into that stereotype, yet I stumbled. Bad Slyder, bad!